Giving vs Receiving

How asking for help can make us better leaders

If I asked you whether you were a giver or a taker, I think we all know how we’d like to be considered. Adam Grant, in his 2013 book, Give and Take, argues that even in the most competitive environments e.g. politics, the givers ultimately succeed more often. Besides this thesis, Grant shares other insights such as even the most generous givers can get burned out but seeing the impact they have on others is often an antidote for burnout. This is great but research shows that there are more nuances to giving vs. taking that we should understand. 

From an article in The Academy of Management Journal, the author claims that “perceived generosity is positively related to individual social status, but maintaining an equitable balance is positively related to individual productivity.” What this means to me is that individuals who give of their time, information, and knowledge to others are viewed by others as really positive members of their communities. However, it is the people that can both give and receive who are the most productive. This makes sense to me because if you are constantly helping others with their tasks, you are probably viewed in a positive light but that might impact getting your own work done, especially if you can’t ask for help yourself. 

I suspect many senior folks fall into this trap. You get asked for help or advice a lot but you either aren’t in the habit of asking for help yourself or think you’re not supposed to need to ask for help. The tech industry has a real problem with imposter syndrome where many of us feel that we don’t know as much as we should or that others think we do. Eric Clapton, famous guitarist and whom graffiti in London declared was God, writes about his “imposter syndrome” after hearing Jimi Hendrix play, “I remember thinking that here was a force to be reckoned with. It scared me, because he was clearly going to be a huge star, and just as we are finding our own speed, here was the real thing.” These two pillars of rock became close friends, sharing their knowledge and passion for guitars. In fact the night Hendrix died, the two were supposed to meet to watch Sly Stone play at the Lyceum. Clapton had brought along a left-handed Stratocaster that he purchased at Orange Music to give to Hendrix. If Clapton can be intimidated by another guitarist and eventually get over it to seek his friendship and mentoring, we can do the same and reach out for help occasionally.

Giving is really important and we all can make our teams and communities better by giving. There are even strategies to help us not get burned out by taking the time to witness the impact of our efforts. But to be the most impactful, we need to not only be good at giving but also at receiving. This requires us to be willing to admit that we don’t know some things, even some things that we might think we should know already. There are gaps in all of our knowledge and that has nothing to do with our competency.